LECTURE XLIII: PHRENOLOGY
SUSPECTED WOOLLY HEADS:
I SHALL dis ebenin' rebound on de great siance of
Freenology am one ob de moss anshent and beutiful siances in de hole catalog ob learnin, and am twin sister to Mesmerism. Freenology consists in gittin 'nolage free, like you am dis ebening; it was fust discubered in de free schools, and was always looked 'pon by de larned as bein closely connected wid "E pluribus Unum."
In order to fully 'splain my seff on dis 'portant siance, I went to de slawghter house, up in Christy street, and got dis skull. It was emposable for me to get de hed ob de human body at the Horsepital, so I hab to use dis sheep's head, which no doubt will answer de same purpos, 'kase it hab got de wool on.
De fust bump in a cullered man's hed—and it taint no use bodderin 'bout enny odder man's hed—am siterated on de top, and called by de siantifick de cokanut bump; dis bump lays in a triangular form ober de bump of don't-care-a-d—-n-ativeness, which ebery black man's hed am fully blessed wid; some ob de lower order ob cullered men hab got de bump of ori-gin-ality, which renders dem 'septable ob drinkin bad gin made up into slings and toddies. But, my slingy frens, I warn you to stop dis sling biziness, or else you will sling youseffs into de place whar de brimstone matches am made.
De bump dat am moss cultiwated in de cullered man hed, am call'd on Fowler & Wells' map ob de brane, "Amativeness." Dis am
de bump dat plays de debil wid de fair sex, bekase dat am whar Kupid springs from; dis bump lays in de back ob de neck, near
de coat collar; it am call'd de bump of lub! Wat am all de sisters feelin in de back ob deir necks for? Wy! dere am not one is dis hole assemblige dat cood tell it
if dey had it as largely enweloped as Professor Maffit! It am dis bump whar all de selfishness and wickedness ob mankind
lays; and I wood say a word to dem fellers as had got an ober quantity ob it. Look out how you fool you time 'round de opposite
sex, kase wen you fall in lub dis bump swells to such an 'xtent dat it oberwellms de hole brane, common sense am kicked out
ob de crainum, and lub rain 'spreme till ebery abenue leadin to de soul am oberflow'd wid de milk ob human kindness, and it
takes an "ofull poletice," as we say in French, to traduce de swell'd bump to its proper size.
Wats all de sisters laffin 'bout? You better insult your own konshunce and see ef you hadn't better laff de odder side ob your mouffs. Sich imperence in meetin I neber did see!
De nex fac I will call your 'tention to am dis: De hed ob man, like de foot ob de Hog, am diwided into two parts; de front part am whar de intellectual orgins am, and dis part b'hind de ears am whar de anamal propersishens am; dis part ob de forehed am none as de Horse-frunt-us, or frunt-all-bone, b'kase it am all bone and in de frunt ob de head, which fully 'counts for de nigger's hed bein hard 'nuff to butt down de stone fence. Sum ob de pretenders to dis siance hab 'serted dat de brane lays here, but wen dey probe to me dat de brane am bone den I will side wid dem, and not afore. De bump ob "Benebolence" am sitemated on de top ob dis, but I don't see dat stickin out werry excrusiatin on enny ob your heds; but I may be mistaken, and wen de sasser goes 'round de fac will probe itseff.
"Combatavness" am found mitey big in de cullered race. It lays 'long side ob "Firmness," which bump am 'lustrated on de map by de jackass, which shows how much easyer it am to coax dan to dribe. Some people hab got bigger bumps dan odders, and dis am de way you will find it out: s'pose you had a squarrel wid a man and you call him a liar, and he sez, "Ef you call me dat twice more I'll smack you cross de chops." Dat man hab got combataveness small, but ef at de moment dat you call de man a liar, you find youseff a rollin in de gutter wid you nose split open, you may make up your mind dat it sticks out on dat man's head so big so can hang your hat on it.
"Cautiousness" am putty well enweloped too in cullered
man, and dat de reazin dey lub to hunt de same ole coon; dey kreep kaushisly 'long de fence till dey git rite under whar he am "a settin on a rale," and den wid telegrofick quickness he sezes him by de tail and trows him on de ground. Dis fac has 'spired de poets to rite songs 'bout it which you all noe by heart.
"Self 'steem" am sum in de race likewise; also, as dere horror ob swasheatin wid de wite trash, and de manner in which dey "steem up" 'kashionally, fully probes.
"Imitation" is consnipcious 'mong dem too, but de monkey beats dem all holler in dat bump, which I 'sider no disgrace to de monkey tribe; but one ob de biggest bumps found in de hole hed ob de decenters ob de African race, 'cordin to de work ob Brudder Bill Seaweed on Erective Franchise, am call'd "Alamentiveness." Dis am de bump dat enables a feller to tell wat am good to eat, an how much he ort to gormandize at a time; for incstinck, you go in de seller by Caferine Market, and you see a man call for a plate ob raw clams and a plate ob sassengers. Well, if he eat de clams and leabe de sassengers, den he got de small bump; but ef he eat em boff, den he got it big. Sum niggars got it mity big, dat dey not oney eat up de clams and sassengers, but call for a plate ob pork and beans, and want it "most all pork, and a good deal ob beans," to top off wid. I call dat hog eatin hog.
And now dat I see I got you all in de noshun ob eatin, I will 'smiss you, so you kin go home and get a cold bite, and wile Brudder Lem Clawson passes round de sasser I will remark dat I don't want nobody to ring in dem new free cent pieces on me for a "fip," as was come on me lass week. I don't take em for sixpence no how.