Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque Orations
Compiled and Edited by John F. Scott
New York: Dick & Fitzgerald, 1868


  SAM. Julius, you seem to me to be getting very studious of late. What do you find to study, that interests you so much?

  JULIUS. Oh, Sam, I've been studyin' very hard lately. I'm studyin' zoology, so as to go to Carifornia and work in de goldmines.

  SAM. You mean geology.

  JULIUS. Maybe I do.

  SAM. Have you made any progress in your studies?

  JULIUS. Oh, yes; it was pooty hard at fust, but I studied very hard, and pooty soon I conquered de preface.

  SAM. Ha! ha! ha!

  JULIUS. Ho! ho! (mocking.) What are you laughin' at?

  SAM. Why, you don't mean to say that you studied the preface?

  JULIUS. Ob course I did. What do dey hab it in de book for, if it ain't to learn? So you see, arter I larned dat, I got along fust rate.

  SAM. Then you have made some progress?


  JULIUS. Oh, yes, sir.

  SAM. Well, I happen to know something about geology, and if you have no objections, I will ask you some questions.

  JULIUS. Well, proceed.

  SAM. Now, Julius, what is geology?

  JULIUS. De science ob breakin' stone.

  SAM. Where are its professors most numerous?

  JULIUS. In Sing Sing and Blackwell's Island.

  SAM. What is the geologist's capital?

  JULIUS. A pocketful ob rocks.

  SAM. What kind of stone has been most sought after?

  JULIUS. De philosopher's stone.

  SAM. Has it ever been found?

  JULIUS. Yes, pooty often.

  SAM. Where?

  JULIUS. In a horn.

  SAM. Where deposited?

  JULIUS. In a hat.

  SAM. From what does it proceed?

  JULIUS. Quartz.

  SAM. What is a flint?

  JULIUS. A miser's heart.

  SAM. Can you break it?

  JULIUS. Yes, certainly.

  SAM. How?

  JULIUS. Open his chest.

  SAM. Where does granite lie?

  JULIUS. In beds.

  SAM. What is a stratum?

  JULIUS. A layer of any thing.

  SAM. Will you mention one?

  JULIUS. Yes—a hen.

  SAM. Give me a better answer than that.

  JULIUS. A ship.

  SAM. A ship? why?

  JULIUS. Because she lays to (too).