Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque Orations
Compiled and Edited by John F. Scott
New York: Dick & Fitzgerald, 1868



  JULIUS. I went out sailin' de oder day, Sam.

  SAM. You did, eh? Who was you with?

  JULIUS. Wid my mudder an' my wife.

  SAM. Did you have a nice time?

  JULIUS. Didn't have nofin' else.

  SAM. How long was you out?

  JULIUS. Free months.

  SAM. Three months, Julius?

  JULIUS. 'Scuse me, Sam; I mean free days.

  SAM. That's more like it.

  JULIUS. Well, Sam, he hadn't been out long ofore de biggest sugarcane rose dat you eber did see.

  SAM. Whoever heard of a sugar-cane growing out of the sea?

  JULIUS. No, no; I mean dat de wind blowed a—a—

  SAM. You mean a hurricane.

  JULIUS. Yes; and everything was in a hurry, and den it did came. Well, my wife had her watch on deck—

  SAM. Your wife? why that's the first time I ever heard you say she had a watch. What was it—a lever?

  JULIUS. No, no; I mean dat my wife was on deck, an' her watch—

  SAM. Ah, Julius, I begin to see what you want to say. Your wife kept watch, or lookout, on deck?

  JULIUS. Yes, dat's it. And putty soon I heard my wife sing out, squarm ahead!

  SAM. Storm, you mean.


  JULIUS. No, no; I mean squarm. She knows what she means—she knows. So I rushed on deck an' seized hold ob de steer bar.

  SAM. The helm.

  JULIUS. No; she was home.

  SAM. Who?

  JULIUS. Helen. She was de cook in de house.

  SAM. Well, go ahead.

  JULIUS. Hold on—let me think—ha! arter I got hold ob de helm, de wind struck her and filled all de sails, and she went along gay—when ob a sudden she went slam bang against a rock and spilt all four into de water.

  SAM. All four? I thought you said only three were in the party?

  JULIUS. Well, wasn't the boat one?

  SAM. Well, I suppose you breasted the waves?

  JULIUS. Yes; one wave hit me, and like to have breasted me in.

  SAM. Why didn't you call on some one to preserve you?

  JULIUS. I did, and he wouldn't come.

  SAM. Who wouldn't?

  JULIUS. Preserve.

  SAM. Did you succeed at last in reaching terra firma?

  JULIUS. He wasn't wid us.

  SAM. Who wasn't wid you?

  JULIUS. Teddy Firmmer.

  SAM. I mean, Julius, did you eventually succeed in extricating yourself from the perilous position in which you were placed about that time?

  JULIUS. We didn't had extra cakes—it was biscuits.

  SAM. Oh! I want to know if you got out, and if you saved any one?

  JULIUS. Oh, yes; I got out arter a while, and sabed my mudder.

  SAM. Why didn't you save your wife?

  JULIUS. Coz, Sam, I can git anoder wife anywhere; but whar could I get anoder mudder from, say? (they go off.)