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Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque Orations
Compiled and Edited by John F. Scott
New York: Dick & Fitzgerald, 1868

JULIUS' PEACHES.

  SAM. Julius, where was you going to-day when I saw you with that young lady on your arm?

  JULIUS. Oh, Sam, I went down wid her to an ice-cream balloon.

  SAM. No, no: you mean an ice-cream saloon.

  JULIUS. Yes, dat's it.

  SAM. Well, did you go in?


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  JULIUS. We went in, sot down; and axed de man, what's in dar—what he had; and he said dat he had all kinds of creams and oder delicacies.

  SAM. Well, what did you have?

  JULIUS. Well, I told him to bring a couple ob tubs.

  SAM. But you didn't eat two tubs, did you?

  JULIUS. Why, no, we didn't eat de tubs, but we eat de cream.

  SAM. Well, did the young lady like it?

  JULIUS. No, she said dat she didn't like frozen victuals.

  SAM. Well, what did you do?

  JULIUS. I went to see what else de man had, and all he had was a gallon ob brandy peaches. So I bought de whole gallon and took 'em in to dat gal, but she said dat she didn't like 'em: so I told her I'd spent all de money I had for 'em, and she'd better try and worry down a few ob 'em.

  SAM. Well, did she worry any ob 'em down?

  JULIUS. Yes, she commenced, and arter a bit she managed to worry down de whole gallon.

  SAM. Then she must have liked them.

  JULIUS. Yes, but she likes fresh ripe peaches de best.

  SAM. How do you know that?

  JULIUS. Why, de oder day I took her out walkin', and as we passed by a fruit-store, dar was a basket ob werry find peaches standin' out by de door, and I axed her if she liked peaches. She said she didn't know. So I axed her to try one or two, dey looked so fine.

  SAM. Were they Jerseys or Delawares?

  JULIUS. No, dey was peaches.

  SAM. I mean, were they cling-stone?

  JULIUS. Well, you'd a thought so, if you'd a seen her cling to 'em.

  SAM. No—were they free-stone?

  JULIUS. I don't know—she was very free wid 'em.

  SAM. Well, how did she like them?

  JULIUS. Why, she eat de whole bushel, and sat dat she liked 'em werry well, only de seeds scratched her froat!