Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque Orations
Compiled and Edited by John F. Scott
New York: Dick & Fitzgerald, 1868


  SAM. Pompey, I saw your schoolmaster yesterday, he says you're getting along like a house a-fire.

  POMP. Yes, I've been to a cemetery for my edification.

  SAM. To a cemetery? Pray, how long have you been dead?

  POMP. I didn't say I was dead, although I studied some in de dead languages. I meant to say I've been to a cemetery—a school-house—a scolledge.

  SAM. Ah! I see, you mean a seminary, Pompey.

  POMP. Yes, a seminaw.

  SAM. You're a very good speller, I hear.

  POMP. Yes, as to dat I can spell anything, Sam.

  SAM. You can, eh?

  POMP. Yes, indeed, Sam. I beat all de boys at reduction, multiplication, addition, substraction, and when it comes down to spelling! Well—go 'way, I'm dar, Sam.

  SAM. Well, now, Pompey, let me hear you spell "weather!"


  POMP. Oh! I can't spell dat, but I'll try it. Weather; what, de weather dat's caused by de firmanence?

  SAM. Yes; go on, sir.

  POMP. Wh—th—ch—er, weather—ly—lee!

  SAM. Well, that's the worst spell of weather we've had for a long time.

  POMP. You don't like it? Well, if you don't have no worse spell of weather than dat, it's well for you dat the equinoctial is passed over. I could spell hog better dan dat.

  SAM. Why, you can't spell anything, Pompey. You can't spell coffee-pot without saying tea-pot.

  POMP. I can't, Sam?

  SAM. No, I know you can't.

  POMP. You know I can't? Dat's a broad assertion.

  SAM. Well, I'll back it.

  POMP. What'll you bet?

  SAM. Five dollars.

  POMP. You bet five dollars dat I can't spell coffee-pot widdout saying tea-pot?

  SAM. Yes.

  POMP. Put up your money. Now I'll bet five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five—well, say thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety—say a hundred?

  SAM. Very well, a hundred it is.

  POMP. Well, I guess you'd better make it a dollar.

  SAM. Very well, then, one dollar.

  POMP. Well, Professor, I don't think I've got a dollar about me; won't you trust? I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll bet my suit of clothes agin your suit of clothes.

  SAM. Very well, sir, go on.

  POMP. C-o-f-f-e-e—coffee, p-o-t—pot.

  SAM. Dere, you've lost, Pompey, you said "tea-pot."

  POMP. Yes, I know I did; well, you'll give us a chance to get even, won't you, Professor? (Putting his hands in his pockets.) I'll bet anoder suit of clothes dat I ain't got my hands in my pockets.


  SAM. Why, that's a very foolish bet.

  POMP. Well, you take it, dat's all.

  SAM. Well, come, I won't be dared. I do take it, ha! ha! ha! (Laughs heartily.) I've won again, for you've got your hands in your pockets now.

  POMP. Those ain't my pockets.

  SAM. Why not?

  POMP. Didn't you just win dese clothes, sa-ay?