Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque Orations
Compiled and Edited by John F. Scott
New York: Dick & Fitzgerald, 1868


As given by the renowned Ethiopian Comedian, EPH. HORN.

  BRUDDER BONES. Ah, dat was a nice gal, but her fader treated her too bad.

  SAM. Why, how so?

  BRUDDER BONES. Well, you see, he locked her up in a garret, and kept her dere so long dat she got subject to dese sonamblelick states.

  SAM. Subject to what?

  BRUDDER BONES. Why, what do you call 'em?

  SAM. No, no; you mean she was a somnambulist—that is one that walks in her sleep.

  BRUDDER BONES. Yes, yes; dat's it; a somnambleclick in her sleep; yes. Well, you see, one day she was lock'd in up dere, and she went to get out de window, dere was a


little stick supported de window, and she went to get out, de stick fell down, and de window come down, struck her on de neck, and kill'd her.

  SAM. Oh, dat's awful!

  BRUDDER BONES. Yes; and den de window jerked her body out, and as she was going down her neck struck on de window shutter below, broke her neck, and kill'd her ag'in.

  SAM. Why, what a chapter of accidents!

  BRUDDER BONES. Yes; and dere was a rain hogshead full of water standing below, she fell into dat and drowned and kill'd her ag'in.

  SAM. Well, dat was heart-rending.

  BRUDDER BONES. Oh, yes, he was dere.

  SAM. Who was dere?

  BRUDDER BONES. Hart Remison. Well, den de hogshead fell over, and she roll'd over into de gud mutter.

  SAM. Into de what? no, you mean she roll'd into the mud gutter.

  BRUDDER BONES. Yes; she roll'd over into de mud gutter, and froze to deff, and kill'd her ag'in.

  SAM. Well, dat's worse and worse.

  BRUDDER BONES. Yes, and den a couple of dese men dat wear breast-pins on deir coats come along.

  SAM. Oh, you mean de star police.

  BRUDDER BONES. Yes; along comes de starv'd police.

  SAM. No, no, not de starv'd police, de sta'ar police.

  BRUDDER BONES. Yes; along come de sta'ar police, and gader'd her up, and took her to de set-up house.

  SAM. Dere you go, again, not de set-up house, de station-house.

  BRUDDER BONES. Yes; well, I never was dere, perhaps you know all about it?

  SAM. Oh, no, I never was taken in.

  BRUDDER BONES. Oh, well, it's all right, you've got a right to go where you please.

  SAM. Of course.

  BRUDDER BONES. Well, den, de coroner he come, and he


look'd at her and den he went away and got three great big men dat weigh'ed three hundred apiece and dey come in and sat on her, and squash'd her, and kill'd her ag'in.