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Brudder Bones' Book of Stump Speeches and Burlesque Orations
Compiled and Edited by John F. Scott
New York: Dick & Fitzgerald, 1868

BURLESQUE LECTURE ON WOMAN'S RIGHTS.

As delivered by the great CHARLEY WHITE, with shouts of applause.

  LADIES ANE GEMBLEM:—I appear befo' you dis ebenin', to lucidate a subjec' dat has long been discussed by a good many ob white fokes what neber knew anything at all 'bout it, and always did.

  De subjec' dat I delude to, is de subjec' of woman's rights.

  Prebious to my discussing, I want you to understand one ting. I don't want to hear no coughfin, no shufflin' ob de foots, nor no squealing babies, case if you tink I'se agwan to


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stand here and waste my precious breff for noffin, now your all mightily mistaken. I shall commence from de 34th page ob the 4th ob July—twenty-elebent verse.

When woman's rights am stirred a bit,
De first reform she hitches on,
Is how she can wid least delay,
Just draw a pair ob britches on.

  I tell you now, aforehand, I is goin' right into dis subjec' like a hungry nigger into a bowl ob clam soup, by simply axin' you dese 'stounding questions: Who am woman? Whar did she came from? Who does she belong to, and which way are she gwine to? Now a good many common-taters, and mighty common-taters dey am too, at dat, hab tried to make out dat da first woe was brought on de human race by Eve trying to coax Adam to climb de apple tree and steal de apple.

  Now I contend dat dat fac' am no such ting. Now if dem common-taters had looked a little more into Massa Andrew Jackson Davis' book, what dey call de Great Harmonicus, or even read Massa Horace Greeley's fugitib slabe bill dey would hab found out dat it was Adam dat coaxed Eve to climb de tree and steal de apple, when long cum two M.P.'s and nabb'd Eve, and Adam turned State's ebidence agin de poor gal.

  In de 16th place, 25thly: Whar did she come from? Now did you eber hear such a question in all your born days? It's enuff to know dat she am here, and I don't tink it makes a dif of bitterence whar she come from.

  In the 19th place, 86thly: Who does she belong to? Now when a man and woman gets married, and dey ain't neither ob 'em got any ting, now who does de tings belong to?

  Who does she belong to? Why she belongs to herself; case when dey get married, don't de law 'spressly specify dat what belongs to de husband belongs to de wife, and what belongs to de wife belongs to herself, and as much more as she can get hold of; and when she gets married don't she gib herself away? and how, in de name ob de dear lam', am


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she gwin' to gib herself away if she don't belong to herself;—pro-pri-oss-a-so-na, which means, in de Turkish or Latin quotation, Yes,sir-ee, dar's no two ways 'bout it. Now, anoder ting—de woman ain't a-goin' to do any more work for you. Why, ain't dey goin' to inwent a machine to rock de cradle wid, without any collision on de part ob de mudder on de oder side? How is you goin' to make bread, Boloni puddins, sassengers, and oder kinds ob sweetmeats? Why, dey am goin' to use one ob dem cholera engines what dey use on board de steamer Hendrixum. Yes, from de frozen regions ob de burning Polar seas, to de melting breezes ob de Tropex, my voice will cry aloud, go in, Ida Sniff, go in an' I'll hold your bonnet, and go in too.

Yes, I'll run and fight, and gouge, and bite,
And tumble in de mud,
Till all de ground for miles around,
Am kivered wid my blood.
And when at length, I've lost my strength,
I neber will gib in,
But rest myself and ketch my breff,
And den go in agin.