CHAPTER XII.
GOOD-MANNERS are the expressions of
benevolence in personal intercourse, by which we endeavor to promote
the comfort and enjoyment of others, and to avoid all that gives needless
uneasiness. It is the, exterior exhibition of the Divine precept,
which requires us to do to others, as we would that they should do to us. It is saying, by our deportment, to all around, that we consider their feelings, tastes, and convenience, as equal in value. to our own. Good-manners lead us, to avoid all practices which offend the taste of. others; all violations of the conventional rules of propriety; all rude and disrespectful language and deportment; and all remarks, which would tend to wound the feelings of another. There is a serious defect, in the manners of the American people, especially in the free States, which can never be efficiently remedied, except in the domestic circle, and during early life. It is a deficiency in the free expression of kindly feelings and sympathetic emotions and a want of courtesy in deportment. The causes, which have, led to this result, may easily be traced. The forefathers of this Nation to a wide extent were men who were driven from their native land, by laws and customs which they believed to be opposed both to civil and religious freedom. The sufferings they were called to endure, the subduing of those gentler feelings which bind us to country, kindred, and home, and the constant subordination of the passions to stern principle, induced characters of great firmness and self-control. They gave up the comforts and refinements of a civilized country, and came, as pilgrims, to a hard soil, a cold clime, and a heathen shore. They were continually forced to encounter danger, privations, sickness, loneliness, and death; and all these, their religion taught them to meet with calmness, fortitude, and submission. And thus it became the custom and habit of the whole mass, to repress, rather than to encourage, the expression of feeling. Persons who are called to constant and protracted suffering and
privation, are forced to subdue and conceal emotion; for the free expression
of it would double their own suffering, and increase the sufferings
of others. Those, only, who are free from care and
anxiety, and whose minds are mainly occupied by cheerful emotions, are at full liberty to unveil their feelings. It was under such stern and rigorous discipline, that the first children in New England were reared; and the manners and habits of parents are usually, to a great extent, transmitted to children. Thus it comes to pass, that the descendants of the Puritans, now scattered over every part of the Nation, are predisposed to conceal the gentler emotions, while their manners are calm, decided, and cold, rather than free and impulsive. Of course, there are very many exceptions to these predominating results. The causes, to which we may attribute a general want of courtesy in, manners, are certain incidental results of our democratic institutions. Our ancestors, and their descendants, have constantly been combating the aristocratic principle, which would exalt one class of men at the . expense of another. They have had to contend with this principle, not only in civil, but in social, life. Almost every American, in his own person, as well as in behalf of his class, has had to assume and defend the main principle of democracy, that every man's feelings and interests are equal in value to those of every, other man. But, in doing this, there has been some want of clear discrimination. Because claims, based on distinctions of mere birth, fortune, or position, were found to be injurious, many have gone to the extreme of inferring that all distinctions, involving subordination, are useless. Such, would regard children as equals to parents, pupils to teachers, domestics to their employers, and subjects to magistrates; and that, too, in all respects. The fact, that certain grades of superiority and subordination are
needful, both for individual and public benefit, has not been clearly
discerned; and there has been a gradual tendency to an extreme, which
has sensibly affected our manners. All the proprieties and courtesies,
which depend on the recognition of the relative duties of superior and subordinate, have been warred upon; and thus we see, to an increasing extent, disrespectful treatment of parents, from children; of teachers, from pupils; of employers, from domestics; and of the aged, from the young. In all classes and circles, there is a gradual decay in courtesy of address. In cases, too, where kindness is rendered, it is often accompanied with a cold, unsympathizing manner, which greatly lessens its value, while kindness or politeness is, received in a similar style of coolness, as if it were but the payment of a just due. It is owing to these causes, that the American people, especially the inhabitants of New England, do not do themselves justice. For, while those, who are near enough to learn their real character and feelings, can discern the most generous impulses, and the most kindly sympathies, they are so veiled, in a composed and indifferent demeanor, as to be almost entirely concealed from strangers. These defects in our national manners, it especially falls to the care of mothers, and all who have charge of the young, to rectify; and if they seriously undertake the matter, and wisely adapt means to ends, these defects will be remedied. With reference to this object, the following ideas are suggested. The law of Christianity and. of democracy, which teaches that all men are born equal, and that their interests and feelings should be regarded as of equal value, seems to be adopted in aristocratic circles, with exclusive reference to the class in which the individual moves. The courtly gentleman, addresses all of his own class with politeness and . respect; and, in all his actions, seems to allow that the feelings and convenience of others are to be regarded, the same as his own. But his demeanor to those of inferior station, is not based on the same rule. Among those, who make up aristocratic circles, such as are above
them, are deemed of superior, and such as are below, of inferior, value.
Thus, if a young, ignorant, and vicious coxcomb, happens to be horn a lord, the aged, the virtuous, the learned, and the well bred, of another class, must give his convenience the precedence, and must address him in terms of respect. So, when a man of noble birth is thrown among, the lower classes, he demeans himself in a style, which, to persons of his own class, would he deemed the height of assumption and rudeness. Now, the, principles of democracy require, that the same courtesy, Which we, accord to our own circle, shall be extended to every class and condition; and that distinctions, of superiority and subordination, shall depend, not on accidents of birth, fortune, or occupation but solely on those relations which the good, of all classes equally require. The distinctions demanded in a democratic state, are simply, those, which result from relations, that are common to every class, and are for the benefit of all. It is for the benefit of every class, that children be, subordinate to parents, pupils to teachers, the employed to their employers, and subjects to magistrates. In addition to this, it is for the general well being, that the comfort or convenience of the delicate and feeble should be preferred to that of the strong and healthy, who would suffer less by any deprivation, and that precedence should. he given to their elders by the young and that reverence should be given to the hoary head. The rules of good-breeding, in a democratic state, must he founded
on these principles. It is, indeed, assumed, that the value of the
happiness of each individual, is the, same as that of every other;
but, as there must be occasions, where there are advantages which
all cannot enjoy, there must be general rules for regulating a selection.
Otherwise there would be constant scrambling, among those of equal
claim and brute force must be the final resort; in which case,
the strongest would have the best of every thing. The democratic rule,
then, is, that superiors, in age, station, or office, have precedence of subordinates; age and feebleness, of youth and strength; and the feebler sex of more vigorous man.* There is, also, a style of deportment and address, which is appropriate to these different relations. It is suitable for a superior to secure compliance with his wishes, from those subordinate to him, by commands; but a subordinate must secure compliance with his wishes, from a superior, by requests. It is suitable for a parent, teacher, or employer, to admonish for neglect of duty; but not for an inferior to adopt such a course towards a superior. It is suitable for a superior to take precedence of a subordinate, without any remark; but not for an inferior, without previously asking leave, or offering an apology. It is proper for a superior to use language and manners of freedom and familiarity, which would he improper from a subordinate to a superior. The want of due regard to these proprieties, occasions the chief defect in American manners. It is very common to hear children talk to their parents, in a style proper only between companions and equals; so, also, the young address their elders, those employed, their employers, and domestics, the members of the family and their visitors, in a style, which is inappropriate to their relative positions. A respectful address is required not merely towards superiors; every person desires to be treated with, courtesy and respect, and therefore, the law of benevolence demands such demeanor, towards all whom we meet in the social intercourse of life. "Be ye courteous," is the direction of the, Apostle in reference to our treatment of all. Good-manners can be successfully cultivated, only in early life,
and in the domestic circle. There is nothing which depends so much
upon habit, as the constantly recurring proprieties of good-breeding; and, if a child grows up without forming such habits, it is very rarely the case that they can be formed at a later period. The feeling, that it is of little consequence how we behave at home, if we conduct properly abroad, is a very fallacious one. Persons, who are careless and ill bred at home, may imagine that they can assume good-manners abroad; but they mistake. Fixed habits of tone, manner, language, and movements, cannot be suddenly altered; and those who are ill-bred at home, even when they try to hide their bad habits, are sure to violate many of the obvious rules of propriety, and yet be unconscious of it. And, there is nothing, which would so effectually remove prejudice against our democratic institutions as the general cultivation of good-breeding in the domestic circle. Good-manners are the exterior of benevolence, the minute and often recurring exhibitions of "peace and good-will;" and the nation, as well as the individual, which most excels in the external, as well as the internal principle, will be most respected and beloved. The following are the leading points which claim attention from those who have the care of the young. In the first place, in the family, there should be required, a strict attention to the rules of precedence, and those modes of address, appropriate to the various relations to be sustained. Children should always be required to offer their superiors, in age or station, the precedence of all comforts and conveniences, and always address them in a respectful tone and manner. The custom of, adding "Sir," or "Ma'am" to "Yes," Or "No," is valuable, as a Perpetual indication of a respectful recognition of superiority. It is now going out of fashion, even among the most wellbred people; probably from a want of consideration of its importance, Every remnant of courtesy of address, in our customs, should be carefully cherished, by all who feel a value for the proprieties of good-breeding If parents allow their children to talk to them, and to grown persons in the family, in the same style in which they address each other, it will be vain to hope for the courtesy of manner and tone, which good-breeding demands in the general intercourse of society. In a large family, where the elder children are grown up, and the younger are small, it is important to require the latter to treat the elder as superiors. There are none, so ready as young children to assume airs of equality; and, if they are allowed to treat one class of superiors in age and character disrespectfully, they will soon use the privilege universally. This is the reason, why the youngest children of a family are most apt to be pert, forward, and unmannerly. Another point to be aimed at, is, to require children always to acknowledge every act of kindness and attention, either by words or manner. If they are so trained as always to make grateful acknowledgements, when receiving favors, one of the objectionable features in American manners will be avoided. Again, children should be required to ask leave, whenever they wish to gratify curiosity, or use an article which belongs to another. And if cases occur, when they cannot comply with the rules of good-breeding, as, for instance, when they must step between a person and the fire, or take the chair of an older person, they should be required either to ask leave, or to offer an apology. There is another point of good-breeding, which cannot, in all cases, be understood and applied by children, in its widest extent. It is that, which requires us to avoid all remarks which tend to embarrass, vex, mortify, or in any way wound the feelings, of another. To notice personal defects; to allude to others' faults, or the faults of their friends; to speak disparagingly of the sect or party to which a person belongs; to be inattentive, when addressed in conversation; to contradict flatly; to speak in contemptuous tones of opinions expressed by another;—all these, are violations of the rules of good-breeding, which children should be taught to regard. Under this head, comes the practice of whispering, and staring about, when a teacher, or lecturer, or clergyman, is addressing a class or audience. Such inattention, is practically saying, that what the person is uttering is not worth attending to; and persons of real good-breeding always avoid it. Loud talking and laughing, in a large assembly, even, when no exercises are going on; yawning and gaping in company; and not looking in the face a person who is addressing you, are deemed marks of ill-breeding. Another branch of good-manners, relates to the duties of hospitality. Politeness requires us to welcome visitors with cordiality; to offer them the best accommodations; to address conversation to them; and, to express, by tone and manner, kindness and respect. Offering the hand to all visitors, at one's own house, is a courteous and hospitable custom, and a cordial shake of the hand, when friends meet, would abate much of the coldness of manner ascribed to Americans. The last point of good-breeding, to be noticed, refers to the conventional rules of propriety and good taste. Of these, the first class relates to the avoidance of all disgusting or offensive personal habits, such as fingering the hair; cleaning the teeth or nails; picking the nose; spitting on carpets; snuffing, instead of using a handkerchief, or using the article in an offensive manner; lifting up the boots or shoes, as some men do, to tend them on the knee, or to finger them;—all these tricks, either at home or in society, children should be taught to avoid. Another, branch, under this head, may be called table manners. To persons of good-breeding, nothing is more annoying,
than violating the conventional proprieties of the table. Reaching
over another person's plate; standing up, to reach distant articles,
instead of asking to have them passed; using one's own knife, and spoon
for butter, salt, or sugar, when it is the custom of the family to
provide separate utensils for the purpose; setting cups, with tea dripping from them, on the tablecloth, instead of the mats or small plates furnished; using the tablecloth, instead of the napkins; eating fast, and in a noisy manner; putting large pieces in the mouth; looking and eating as if very hungry, or as if anxious to get at certain dishes; sitting at too great a distance from the table, and dropping food; laying the knife and fork on the tablecloth, instead of on the bread, or the edge of the plate;—all these particulars, children should be taught to avoid. It is always desirable, too, to require children, when at table with grown persons, to be silent, except when addressed by others; or else their chattering will interrupt the conversation and comfort of their elders. They should always be required, too, to wait, in silence, till all the older persons are helped. All these things should be taught to children, gradually, and with great patience and gentleness. Some parents, with whom good-manners is a great object, are in danger of making their children perpetually uncomfortable, by suddenly surrounding them with so many rules, that they must inevitably violate some one or other, a great part of the time. It is much better to begin with a few rules, and be steady and persevering with these, till a habit formed, and then take a few more, thus making the process easy and gradual. Otherwise, the temper of children will be injured; or, hopeless of fulfilling so many requisitions, they will become reckless and indifferent to all. But, in reference to those who have enjoyed advantages for the cultivation of good-manners, and who duly estimate its importance, one caution is necessary. Those, who never have had such habits formed in youth, are under disadvantages, which no benevolence of temper can remedy. They may often violate the tastes and feelings of others, not from a want of proper regard for them ' but from ignorance of custom, or want of habit, or abstraction of mind, or from other causes, which demand forbearance and sympathy, rather than citizens, there are literary and scientific, advantages, offered to all classes, rarely enjoyed elsewhere. In Cincinnati, too, the advantages of education, now, offered to the poorest classes, without charge, surpass what, some years ago, most wealthy men could purchase, for any price. And it is believed, that a time will come, when the poorest boy in America can secure advantages, which will equal what the heir of the proudest peerage can now command. The records of the courts of France and Germany, (as detailed by the Duchess of Orleans,) in and succeeding the brilliant reign of Louis the Fourteenth,—a period which was deemed the acme of elegance and refinement,—exhibit a grossness, a vulgarity, and a coarseness, not to be found among the lowest of our respectable poor. And the biography - of Beau Nash, who attempted to reform the manners of the gentry, in the times of Queen Anne, exhibits violations of the rules of decency among the aristocracy, which the commonest yeoman of this Land would feel disgraced in perpetrating. This shows, that our lowest classes, at this period, are more refined, than were the highest in aristocratic minds, a hundred years ago; and another century may show the lowest classes, in wealth, in this Country, attaining as high a polish, as adorns those who now are leaders of good-manners in the courts of kings. |