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The Drunkard; or, the Fallen Saved
Adapted by W.H. Smith
New York: WM. Taylor and Co.1850

SCENE II.—Union Square.—Lights up.—Citizens passing during the scene.—Children playing ball, hoops, &c.

Enter LAWYER CRIBBS, R.


Cribbs.

  Now this is a lucky escape. It's fortunate that old Sykes, the miller, was in court, who knew me, or I might have found it difficult to get out of the infernal scrape. What a dreadful night I have passed, to be sure,—what with the horrid noise of the rats, that I expected every moment would commence making a breakfast of my toes, the cold, and horrible language of my miserable and blackguard companions. I might as well have passed the crawling hours in purgatory, ugh! I'm glad it's over—catch me in such company again, that's all. Now for my design on Rencelaw and Co. I think there can be no detection, the signature is perfect. I'll get some well dressed boy to deliver the check, receive the money, and I'm off to the far West or England, soon as possible. Would I were certain of the ruin of this drunken scoundrel, and the infamy of his tiger-like wife, I should be content.

Enter BOY, L. U. E., crossing to R.

Where are you going so quickly, my lad?


Boy.

  (R.) On an errand, sir.

Enter WILLIAM DOWTON, L. U. E.


Cribbs.

  Do you want to earn half a dollar?


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Boy.

  With pleasure, sir, honestly


Cribbs.

  Oh, of course, honestly.


William.

  I doubt, that, if he rows in your boat.


Cribbs.

  I am obliged to meet a gentleman on business, precisely at this hour, by the Pearl St. House, call at the Mechanics' Bank for me, deliver this check, the Teller will give you the money, come back quickly, and I'll reward you with a silver dollar.


Boy.

  I'll be as quick as possible, sir, and thank you too. [Exit hastily, R.


William.

  I knew the old skunk had money, but I was not aware that he banked in New York. Hallo! here's Miss Spindle a twigging the fashions; here'll be fun with the old rats. I told her half and hour ago, Cribbs was at a large party among the 'stocracy, last night.


Cribbs.

  [After putting up his wallet, sees Miss Spindle.] Confound it! here's that foolish old maid, at such a time, too. Ah! there's no avoiding.

Enter MISS SPINDLE, L.


Miss S.

  Good gracious! Mr. Cribbs, how do you do? I declare, how well you do look—a little dissipation improves you.


Cribbs.

  What?


William.

  [Aside.] She's beginning already. Hurrah! Go it, old gal.


Miss S.

  I swow, now, I'm right glad to see you.


Cribbs.

  You have all the pleasure to yourself.


William.

  She'll find that out by and bye.


Miss S.

  Now, don't be so snappish, Lawyer Cribbs; neighbors should be neighborly, you know. Who was it that had the pleasure to introduce you?


William.

  [Aside.] I rather guess I went that stick of candy. [Cribbs stares at Miss Spindle.


Miss S.

  Now don't look so cross about it. I think you ought to feel right slick, as I do. Now do tell what kind of music had you!


William.

  [Aside.] Plenty o' hollaring and clubs, with considerable running accompaniment.


Miss S.

  Now don't look so angry, and scared. Who did play the fiddle? was it Herr Noll, Young Burke, or Ole Bull. Don't keep my curiosity on the stretch.


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Cribbs.

  Belzebub stretch you curiosity! What are you yelling about Herr Noll, Young Burke, and Ole Bulls for?


William.

  [Aside.] I calculate Captain—[Name of captain of watch.]—played first fiddle to the overture of "Lock and Key."


Miss S.

  Well I swow, I never seed sich ill-temper. Why I know New York tip-tops always have somebody first chop among the fiddlers; for cousin Jemima told me when she was at the Tabernacle, her very hair stood on eend when Herwig led the musicians with Heat-oven's sympathy.


Cribbs.

  [Aside.] The old fool's perfectly crazy!


William.

  [Aside.] Well, if the old chap hadn't any music, it wasn't for want of bars and staves. I reckon he got out of his notes when they let him off.


Miss S.

  Now, don't be angry, Lawyer Cribbs; you know I only ask for information. Do the 'stocracy go the hull temperance priniciple, and give their visitors nothing but ice water.


William.

  [Aside.] There was a big bucket and dippers, I reckon.


Cribbs.

  Miss Spindle, will you only hear me?


Miss S.

  Wall, ain't I listening all the time, and you won't tell me nothin'. Were there any real live lions there? Did Col. Johnson scalp a live Indian, to amuse the ladies? Did Dr. Dodds put every body into a phospheric state, when they were all dancing, and the lights went out? Did Senator D—— dance a hornpipe to please the children, and make a bowl of punch at twelve o'clock? Did— [Out of breath.


William.

  [Aside.] She'll ask him directly if the elephants played at billiards.


Cribbs.

  Madam! madam! will you listen? [Shouts out.] In the name of confusion, what are you talking about?


Miss S.

  Why, of the grand sorrie—the party, to be sure.


Cribbs.

  I know nothing of any party; you're insane.


Miss S.

  Oh, no, I ain't, neither. I was told of it by one—


Cribbs.

  Told by one? who?


William.

  [Coming forward, C.] Me, I calculate. I watched you, I guess.


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Cribbs.

  Watched!


William.

  Guess I did—so shut up.


Cribbs.

  Confusion!


William.

  I say, Squire, where did you buy your new coat?


Cribbs.

  Go to the devil, both of you.


William.

  Where's the tail of your old one? Ha! ha! [Exit Cribbs, R.—William follows, laughing.


Miss S.

  Well, I swow, this is like Jedides' addle eggs. I can neither make ducks nor chickens on 'em. Well, I've got a good budget of news and scandal, any how. So I'll be off back to the village, this very day; this vile city is no safe place for romantic sensibilities and virgin purity. [Exit, L.